too bad you live with your parents still
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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