someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
ps... at the end of one of the videos you yell "let's do the eiffel tower again.. i'll be in the middle!" .. i almost died lolol
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Randomize
