Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
Randomize
