I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
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