Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
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