I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
Who put my cat in the fridge?
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Randomize
