hotel room ftw
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
