He disabled his match.com account in front of me
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
Randomize
