Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
..Thats also how I think I got the lyrics from MIAs Paper Planes Sharpeed on my ass? Maybe.
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
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