if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
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