Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
i do not condone bathtub ky wrestling
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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