I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
the room spins SO much faster in panama
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Randomize
