You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
I have feelings that need drinking.
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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