I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
