Porn is love you can see.
i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
Randomize
