You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
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