Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
Randomize
