I accidentally burped into my bong.
My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
Randomize
