i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
