I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
