2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
Randomize
