The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
Randomize
