I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
Yes. Hungover. All the boys are going wakeboarding. Boys only. I wish I was a gay guy so I could go wakeboarding but still suck dick.
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
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