god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
I'm only gonna ask u this once. Y is there a picture of u only in superman underwear rubbin ur nipple on facebook????
Uh I can actually explain that one..
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
Randomize
