she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
It doesn't have to be a walk of shame...just pretend he took you to breakfast.
No one shows this much boob at breakfast
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
i am watching brooke knows best right now and hulk is totally dating his daughter's look a like. it is gross and disturbing.
the most pressuring question is, why are you watching brooke knows best?.
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
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