Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
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