sorry about calling you the devil all night.
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
just curious, were the inflatable penis' received? Amazon says they were delivered.
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
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