Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
Nakedness is not a toga. Just sayin
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
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