How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
BTW I totally understand panda express being popular amongst the highs. I can feel the shrimp being slaughtered in my mouth. It's fantastic.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
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