connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
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