She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
Then that is decided. Fuck away my little bunny rabbit.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
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