im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
By the way, I'm pretty sure your husband is publicly advocating more BJs for my husband, via Facebook.
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
Randomize
