She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
Randomize
