I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
Randomize
