I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
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