Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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