In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
even my farts smell like vagina
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
Randomize
