if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
Oh, in response to your "does dating get better" question...I feel like penises are getting smaller nowadays. Its been several years since I saw a good 8+ incher.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
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