I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
After last night, I could never be a politician.
That's when you crack a 10am beer
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Randomize
