I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
She's pathetic and vulnerable..and short. Thats his type.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
Randomize
