I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
does he have a tent? the camping kind not the boner kind.
FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
I wouldn't necessarily call it an addiction, more of a passion. I'm habitually passionate.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
