he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize
