So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
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