Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
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I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
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We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
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