so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
Randomize
