a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
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