ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
Randomize
