Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
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