I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
Randomize
