What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
