break up sex still means we will always be broken up.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
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The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
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I drink to make the karaoke go away.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize