So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
Randomize
