So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Randomize
