she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
You are hungover. Your arguments are irrational an incoherent. We only played twice. Have some Gatorade and take a knee.
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
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