haha it's okay then, bc he only killed a canadian, they're not real people
DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
A BJ like that needs to be recommended.
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
Randomize
