I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
Need sex. Gaining weight.
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
Opportunity cost of getting to econ after a night on the town > marginal benefit of attending class
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
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