There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
He is saved in her phone as Sir. Mindfuck <3/ vag cleaner of course I need to meet him.
Randomize
