Pappa wants mamma naked
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
Randomize
