I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
